(A sign reads DR. DOGS OFFICE - PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR. OPEN FOR BUSINESS. Dog looks at sign admiringly . He greets Franz who is seated in his bathrobe, a suitcase at his side Dog turns to audience.)
Consider the letter K. Once its only distinction was that it lay between J and L.
But no more. Franz took this ordinary letter, where one line goes up and the other down, as if not knowing which way to go, and made those lines menacing;
(With one arm up and one leg down, he begins to march the German goose step)
so that in their presence all of us are made to feel uneasy, and fearful that the worst is yet to come; that everything that can go wrong, will, and if you want to challenge the powers that be, lot's of luck. How's that for a legacy, huh! To have engraved on your tombstone, "He felt better after a bad nights sleep." And for his contribution to our sleepless nights we've made him a regular household word.
(In high pitched matronly voice)
"Your interior decorator must have been Kafka, my dear!"
When people can't believe what's happening to them, your name alone will be on their lips. "It's right out of Kafka!", they'll cry as they're gnashing their teeth and tearing their hair out of their heads. You, my dear, Franz, have made uncertainty a religion and fear a holy text. Can any other writer lay claim to so much devastation to our psyche?
(He points at Franz who makes gesture of denial. Calls out)
(He looks at his watch as Franz enters scene)
You're on time. How did you manage that?
I'm never late, not any more. Living with Dora has cured me of my addiction to waiting. I used to have "the resignation of an ox" but now I'm as impatient as an eel. I can't stand my poor health anymore. I'm eager to hear from Dora's father giving us permission to get married. I encourage the sun to rise so it can smile on Dora's face. And I almost looked forward to coming to your office.
Under my guidance, you will help yourself get well and make me rich and famous.
Terrible. I can't even afford a couch. You're my first paying client.
(Franz shows him empty pockets. Dog sighs)
I need customers like you, who never tire of talking about themselves and "their infinite sense of guilt", so what do I get: Germans who'd rather blame everyone else.
They've developed a regular hate affair with my fellow Jews.
An affair that's yet to be consummated.
Not like Franz and Herman, who still can't keep our hands or our mouths off each other.
That should be how you feel about your mother.
She doesn't exist. He swallowed her whole, like a snake, so all my erotic fantasies will have to take place with my father.
(Voice on loudspeaker)
Are you playing with yourself again, Franz? Come out before I break the door down.
For the first time in my life I feel ready to challenge him.
You've come to the right dog.
Psychiatry destroys literature but it may be good enough for people.
I can't afford to lose this time.
Stretch out and start talking.
(FRANZ stands up; paces back and forth DOG sits on floor)
I'd like to make Dora pregnant, but how can I when I'm the one in labor. It's not that I haven't tried, but so far there's nothing to show for it. Herman's diluting my sperm, making it watery and ineffective.
(In confidential tone)
When I masturbated, which wasn't that often, I'd think of a naked woman and what I wanted to do to her, and suddenly she'd turn into Herman with h