Reflections of Mamie
Reflections of Mamie
First of all, if you are a victim of abuse, be it emotional, mental or physical, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! It matters little if you are a child, adult, male or female, abuse is not an acceptable way of life and it is never your fault. If you are an adult and find yourself in this situation, get out! If you are a child, it is more difficult but you can get help...talk to a friend, teacher, church clergyman, police or anyone who holds a position of trust. A spanking for bad behavior does not constitute abuse but a beating is quite another matter.
Abuse, as defined in most dictionaries, is improper or excessive use of treatment or defamation of character through mental abuse, none of which is acceptable.
Abuse is an ugly thing no matter what form it takes. In Webster's Dictionary, abuse is explained as follows: 'a corrupt practice or custom obsolete; a deceitful act: deception; language that condemns or vilifies usually unjustly, intemperately, and angrily; physical maltreatment'.
PLEASE make no mistake, if you have been abused as a child in any way, especially over long periods of time, you must first become free in your spirit BEFORE having children of your own. YOU must first rid yourself of the demons inside you so that you don't risk passing the damage onto your own children and precipitate generational abuse. YOU and only you can make that wise decision.
It took me thirty eight (38) years to be sort of free but fifty four (54) years before I was finally beyond it. It didn't happen until my heart and spirit were ready to accept real love and believing that I deserved it, that I corrected my outlook and began to make wise choices. Only then was I able to recognize a good thing when I saw it. It was then that I met my husband who gave my daughter and I, his devotion, patience, love and commitment forever. It took some time but the day did come when my thoughts were finally free of anxiety, fear and doubt and it came as a revelation that I was indeed, a decent human and worthy of love.
Thank God for love, trust and forgiveness. I only wish I could undo all of the mistakes I made when my heart was so sad instead of lusting for love to fill the void caused by emptiness and rejection. I had many chances to find my way but never saw them as I was too consumed with the grief of never being loved by my mother. I watched her give all her love to my younger brother while my older brother and I meant nothing to her. I suffered her words over and over again. "Why can't you be like your younger brother? Why do you have to be such a huge disappointment? Why can't you just vanish like you do when your father leaves? You'll never mean anything to me!"
I hated her yet loved her for what she was supposed to be to me. Her constant belittlement soon became the image that I held of myself and that can take a lifetime to turn around.
Keep a journal, help someone else, love a pet, find yourself because YOU ARE WORTH IT and deserve to be happy. Love will come to you-just LET IT IN!
Before we get started, the story I'm about to tell is a true reflection of my life. It is as difficult to tell as it was to live through. It took sixteen agonizing years to recover the horrific memories that I thought were hidden from the light forever. I tried but failed to tell my story in the third person but it only served to prevent me from facing the inevitable trauma head on. Instead, I chose to exorcise my demons by writing in the first person, up close and personal as I relived the horrors of my childhood. Some of what you are about to read will be upsetting but it is the only way that I can reach out to those in need.
As we progress through Mamie's life, I show you how desperate I was to escape from my Mother's hateful abuse and how my failed attempts led me down the path of destruction more often than not. And all of this was because of the deprivation of